30 Day Challenge Tip #1 – The Art & Science of Finding an Accountability Partner

The first big decision I had to make as I began my recovery for porn and sex addiction was deciding that I really DID want to get well…at all cost! The next one was who was I willing to be accountable to? And even more fundamentally, what does true and authentic accountability really look like?

Since Internet porn had been a long-standing stumbling block to me and played a major role in my growing addiction, it was only logical that I tackle the issue of Internet accountability first. But it wasn’t until I was several years into my recovery that I started enlisting the help of a pretty simple but significant technology tool in order to establish and maintain my sexual sobriety. It was actually a member of my non-profit organization’s board of directors who suggested that I look into using a software product called Covenant Eyes to help make myself accountable to the board for where I go and what I do on the Internet.

That only made sense as they, too, had a lot to lose if I was to suffer a major relapse and fall back into my addictive ways in the midst of building this ministry. So six years ago, I went online and signed up for Covenant Eyes and I’ve been using it successfully ever since. In fact, as I’ve often said publicly, CE has quite frankly saved my butt many times over just by the way it has acted as a passive deterrent to my viewing porn. Just the idea of my accountability partner(s) getting a report and seeing what I’m viewing while surfing the net has been enough to help me fight the sudden, occasional impulses to view porn that I struggled with for many years.

But it took years of trial and error before I finally figured out what a real accountability relationship looked like, and specifically, what kind of person I should look for to be my accountability partner. Here’s a summary of the biggest lessons I’ve learned over those years as it relates to picking out an accountability partner:

1) SEEK TO BE EQUALLY YOKED – It’s critically important to partner with another person who understands the depth and breadth of your problem with porn. No one better than someone who has and is experiencing much the same in his or her own life, as long as they share the same desire that you have to get well themselves. They’ll know all your tricks – the lies, the rationalizations, the justifications, blaming others – mainly because they’ve used the same lies and denial on others. So they’re better suited to help you than anyone else, and you can help them. If done right, it’s a match made in heaven!

2) RESIST BEING APPOINTED A MOSES – Pastors and church elders who don’t really understand the nature of porn and sex addiction but are part of the restoration process of a church or staff member make this mistake a lot. When asked for their advice on who would be a good accountability partner for the individual who has fallen into sexual sin, they name a church elder or fellow staff member who they see as “a giant of the faith” and a person of undisputed integrity, sexual and otherwise. And while it makes perfect sense to them as the logical choice, it’s almost always the worst person to choose. Why? Because what broken people need more than anything in order to heal is someone who will truly understand you and your struggle. They can relate to what you experience on a personal basis, no matter how absurd it may sound to most people. They know and they understand because they’ve been there themselves. And unless your “spiritual giant” has shared in this struggle and is overcoming it in their own life, they won’t be able to relate and be the minister of reconciliation that they would need to be in this instance. Best to keep them on the prayer team instead and keep searching. (And if you need to explain yourself, respectfully give your pastor or assigned “spiritual giant” a copy of this blog

3) LOOK FOR A RELATIONSHIP, NOT JUST AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER – Several years ago I came across a piece of paper that I was told was the key to accountability. It was a list of a dozen or so pointed and direct questions about whether or not the “target” of this accountability process has been using porn or acting out sexually or not. And, of course, the last question was something like “Have you just lied to me in answering any of the aforementioned questions?” Interestingly, each time a person presents me with this list of “great questions”, they all seem to delight in reading me the last one out loud, as if that’s the real stumper that is sure to flush out the addict’s true hidden behaviors he’s been lying about all this time. Well, I’ve got a news bulletin for you. That list and its gimmicky final question doesn’t work. Not for the lifetime porn user and self-abuser. Once it’s been used the first time, every other time is like re-telling the same old joke and using the same old punch line over and over again. It simply becomes nauseating. Worse yet, it’s insulting. Why? Because it is the antithesis of what really needs to happen here – the slow process of building an authentic relationship between two people. Since this will be the subject of a later post on this matter of accountability (because it deserves it), I’ll just leave you with this thought for now. How many relationships do you have in your life where you use a script? I didn’t think so. By the way, as a footnote, I’ve found that the “spiritual giants” who dutifully seek out to fulfill their assigned role as the accountability partner for their fallen brethren absolutely LOVE to discover and use this cheat sheet list of questions. I suspect it’s because without it, they’d really be at a loss on what to talk about during these weekly grill sessions.

4) WITH VERY FEW EXCEPTIONS, DO NOT USE YOUR SPOUSE AS YOUR ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER – This is another common mistake I see, especially with men or women who are early in the recovery process. Overcome with joy over the sudden glimpses of freedom they’re experiencing by coming clean and finally dealing with their previously hidden, sexually compulsive or addictive behaviors, they determine to become that night in shining armor (or Joan of Arc) and decide that they want to “tell all and expose all” to the very loved one they’ve hurt the most – their spouse.

On the surface, the idea sounds great, both to them and to their hurting and deeply wounded spouse who, by the way, will be expecting nothing but a perfect report from that day forward. Thus, the person seeking accountability has just set up both themselves and their spouse up for failure. They’ve raised the bar of expectations both for themselves and for their spouse to an unrealistic height for someone trying to undo what has typically been decades of lies and deception and unwanted secret sexual behaviors. Suddenly, there’s no room to fail, even though recovery is all about failing forward (2 steps forward, one step back), especially in the beginning.

Secondly, they’ve now unwittingly heaped a big part of the burden of responsibility for their recovery on their spouse, setting them up for even more hurt and pain and the strong likelihood of becoming co-addicted at they are handed the opportunity to track and scrutinize their mates every online move. Every qualified and experienced sexual addiction counselor, Christian or otherwise, would tell you this is a bad idea. Yet I hear about it being done all of the time. No wonder why so many people who try to use Internet accountability tools like Covenant Eyes but aren’t trained adequately on how to go about it correctly (like I’m trying to do here) fail early, fall hard, and just give up.  I suspect that for many of them, making this mistake is the reason.

The few exceptions I’ve noticed that have actually worked have almost always taken place where there is a spiritually and relationally mature couple who’ve been working together through the healing process for many years. In addition, in cases such as my own, where I’m involved in a very public ministry, especially those like me who are working in the area of sexual addiction and recovery, such a level of accountability to both my spouse and my board of directors should not only be encouraged, but I believe it should be required. In fact, I strongly believe that ALL church and ministry leaders and staff members should be held to such a high level of accountability to multiple people. More on that in a later blog.

The bottom line is this – you and you alone are responsible for your recovery, whether from the nagging habits of unwanted sexual behaviors or from a full-blown sexual addiction. So while your spouse has every right in the world to know about your plan for recovery and that you’re making your appointments and keeping your commitments to them and others involved in the process, dumping the details of past and present struggles on their shoulders is not only unnecessary, but it’s often a further sign of selfishness and insensitivity to the emotional well-being of others. You’re back to doing whatever you want to do to make yourself feel better at the expense of others.

5) LASTLY (AND ACTUALLY, FIRST AND FOREMOST AS WELL), SEEK OUT YOUR PARTNER THROUGH PRAYER – I’ve always taken this subject matter of accountability, and especially Internet accountability, very seriously. For me, it’s literally been a matter of life or death as my past sexual addiction has brought me to the brink of suicide before. So it only makes sense that this quest for a true connection with another human being, whether for a future spouse or the kind of deep and meaningful friendship like what we’re talking about here, be covered up in prayer. And not just other people’s prayers, but YOUR prayer. These “battle buddies” can be career and family and marriage savers, and you can be the same to them in their life. But I’ve seldom found two people who are experiencing and enjoying this kind of a relationship based on deep and abiding love and mutual respect without God being in the middle of it. Look at it this way – God already knows the names of the persons who are gonna have your back and help guide you along the way. That is, if that’s what you really want. All you need to do is ask, and if done with a broken and contrite heart, I really do believe it will be given to you in due time.